tune remedy

Mama told me “there would be days like this“…. actually she did not say that, that’s from an oldies song.  She did, on the other hand, preach the golden rule.  You know the ethic of reciprocity to treat others how you want to be treated, or something like that.  However, Mama forgot to tell me that being nice would lead me nowhere in life.

In school…

The nice guy is the chump who gives out his A+ homework paper, having spent over 10 hours completing it, because his roommate decided to get hammered the night before.  To be the “GOOD” friend the paper is quickly and not exactly painlessly handed over to the “BAD” friend.  Little does our foolish protagonist know that he got fucked over because he is now in deep doo doo with the Dean of College for letting someone copy his work, AKA plagiarism.

“Your sympathy will get you left behind. “

In the real world…

Being nice to others often means being taken advantage of somehow.  This depends on your degree of niceness, better known as how good you are at making an ass of yourself.

“If you make an ass outta yourself then there will be always be someone to ride you…”

In the complex minefields of the male-female relationship…

Whether it is a one-night stand/random hookup deal or the search of a potential lifetime partner the nice guy is rarely successful.  Like my main man Stewie Griffin once said, “how come women react so positively to you when you make such negative comments?”

If you have yet to figure it out, nice guys finish last. Being one myself, I could say it is not all that bad but the reality is that the nice guy is huffing and puffing in the distance while the bad boy does not even break a sweat.

Prescription:

1. Lose the glasses, wear contacts. Glasses equate to being nerdy and nice (a pair that does complement each other quite well).
2. Get in a band. Learn to play an instrument which is considered “legit”, I am not talking about piano or violin or whatever. You gotta be able to rock.
3. Always have a hair cut that is either too long or too short, if you have to go mid-length, style it up. Well at least that is what a badass looks like. Yep I just said badass.
4. Get some scars, preferably on or around the facial region.
5. Get in shape, yeah that means the big guns and flat washboard stomach kind of shape.
6. Make sure you got money in the bank. You can’t always count on McDonalds for dates.
7. Listen to Green Day- Nice Guys Finish Last for a quick reminder of your situation.

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*****    Last but not least, discredit this mumbo jumbo prescription up until this point. Find someone who truly likes you for who you are–not the money, not the look, not the fame and not the power.  Just you.  If you do end up finding that person then you should consider yourself lucky because many people spend a lifetime searching and sometimes only end up with some really unfortunate scars (not the badass kind).

There is something undeniably pleasurable about downloading a torrent.  Never having done it myself (LÖL), I suspect that the pleasure is exponentially sweeter if the torrent is of the “illegal” kind.  But why?

Since early childhood, we are constantly fed one  of the most fundamental truths of modern society: time is money.

Although I personally disagree with this outlook on life (I’m more of a time is knowledge type of guy),  I do believe that this is the main cause of guilt-free pirating.

Without even realizing it, people feel that the time invested in waiting for that album, movie, or shiny new copy of Adobe Photoshop to complete downloading covers its actual cost!

Well, maybe not Photoshop.  At 630 dollars a pop, that shit would cost a few weeks of your time, assuming minimum wage.

Crazy thought?  Maybe.  But it sure would help explain the mainstream consensus that stealing intellectual property is simply not wrong and thus, by default, right.

“Its not really pirating unless you’re wearing an eye patch while you do it,” says I, the author of such acclaimed articles as the one you’re currently reading and Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home.

I may not be able to fully explain why you pirate, nor do I have a remedy to get you to stop because that would be mighty hypocritical of me.  What I would like to do is guide your pirate ship into the less crowded and safer seas.  Because for every successful pirate, there is another pirate who can’t wait to loot his gold.

There are tons of great bands out there who actually encourage your pirating habits by giving their music away for free.

Demonoid, a semi-private torrent site/tracker has been greatly supportive of such artists ever since coming back online in early 2008.  Many bands receive an honorable mention (and a link to their album) on demonoid’s front page.

One such band, the Naked Empire was brought to my attention in late September.  Its unique vocals, haunting and original guitar lines, and powerful, yet subtle piano pieces are slightly reminiscent of Muse and have been growing on me in the past few months.

I feel that further spreading Naked Empire’s name is the least I can do to show my appreciation of their free gift to the masses.   Nonetheless, something tells me that the publicity surrounding their album’s release was worth the pennies they would have made off of individual CD sales had they gone with a more traditional distribution model.

With no further adieu, I give you the Naked Empire.

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are you a fan of any indie bands that openly support bitTorrent?  Why do you think pirating has become so main stream?  fuck the RIAA? Let us know!

{this suggestion is extremely high on air}

{this suggestion walks with a pimp cane when people aren’t looking}

{this suggestion played with light till it got burned}

Suggested by: Geoffrey C.

I know a mouse
And he hasn’t got a house
I don’t know why
I call him Gerald
He’s getting rather old
But he’s a good mouse

Pink Floyd  - Bike
Album: The Piper at the Gates of Dawn
Released: August 5, 1967

If you’d like, you can suggest next Monday’s lacking lyrics here!

Most people don’t realize that a human being’s creativity stems from neither the mind, nor the heart.   It is rare to see parents who spank their kids on the head, or punch them in the chest when the children get a little creative and act in ways that go against the norm.  Rather, they tend to go directly for what seems to be the main source of all human imagination: the ass.

Just think about it, why else would an otherwise useless part of the human body have so much padding and protection?

A recent research study conducted by the University of Iowa shows that out of the 24,992 Americans that were stabbed last year, only 3 were stabbed in the ass.

This makes perfect sense from an evolutionary biologist’s perspective–the most vital organs are usually protected in the case of a predator attack.

Since Americans are more evolved and civilized than the citizens of other countries, it is logical that they choose to perform little physical labor that involves movement.  Instead, they sit on their asses as much as humanly possible to ensure their survival.

“This likely explains the low knife-to-ass stab ratio present in the USA as compared to many eastern European countries,” says Steffan Eske, one of Tune Remedy’s lead researchers.

What science is trying to tell you (with all of these statistics and figures) is that any prior remedies you might have used to cure writer’s block failed because they targeted your brain–an organ quite distant from the true source of your problem.

Prescription:

Although for a catchy song it doesn’t really say much, Tune Remedy does believe that you can promote a healthy flow of thought by injecting Just Jack - Writer’s Block directly into your ass as necessary.  There is no real answer as to how it works… Some scientists believe it has something to do with the rhythm which is rumored to have been precisely calculated using discrete mathematics to get the brain to release extra dopamine into the ass.   Others think it has something to do with the fact that Just Jack is himself an ass–which really comes across in his music.  Either way,  you should probably give it a listen.

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Just Jack - Writer’s Block
Album: Overtones
Released: November 17, 2006

Can you think of a better song to remedy writer’s block? Have you ever gotten stabbed in the ass? Any general comments? Let us know!

Thanks to everyone who submitted lyrics!  Below are some of the favorites—just click to expand.

{this suggestion tried to escape reality but drowned}

{this suggestion ate its lover}

{this suggestion forgot how to exist}

{this suggestion buried its diary deep inside your head}

On the opposite end of the lyrical rainbow, far, far away from the Lyrically Lacking Monday, you’ll find the Lyrically Thoughtful Thursday.

Don’t see it?  Right there.  No! To the left—right next to that cocky looking oompa loompa eating everyone’s sugar while he’s supposedly on the job.  No… that’s Bush.  Yep, right next to him. 

That’s our special Thursday.

Those fortunate enough not to have to work on the weekends often see Thursday as a fairly optimistic day.  With Friday right around the corner, Thursday is an opportunity to bask in the promise of the weekend–a chance to slack a bit knowing that you will have Saturday and Sunday to make up what need be.

I see it as the prime time for personal thought and therefore hope to use it to share what I consider to be truly poetic, intelligent, moving—and most thought provoking lyrics that my ears have had the opportunity to have intercourse with.

If you have anything in mind and would like to participate in the first weekly Lyrically Thoughtful Thursday, then go ahead and make a suggestion in the comments below, or  in the Tune Remedy’s suggestion box.

Otherwise come back Thursday, ya hear?

Suggested by: warren

Me like to go down to the church,
And drink some Holy Water.
Mom don’t like,
And the Priest don’t like it,
But me can’t seem to help it.

Mindless Self Indulgence - Ecnegludni Fles Sseldnim
Album: Tight
Released: April 6, 1999

The first weekly Lyrically Lacking Monday is coming up tomorrow so I thought I’d take a second to tell you all what that’s all about!

The way I see it, many of us have heard a good share of lyrically challenged songs–tunes with lyrics that make you question the direction in which the human race is heading because of their lameness, stupidity, or just plain ignorance.

I want Monday, the historically least favorite day of the work week, to be our special day to share snippets of these ridiculously bad songs with each other to cheer ourselves up.  As they say, laughter is often the best medicine.

If you have any lyrics in mind and you’d like to participate, then go ahead and suggest them here but try not to post them in the comments below or we’ll turn this into a Lyrically Lacking Sunday by mistake .