Mama told me “there would be days like this“…. actually she did not say that, that’s from an oldies song. She did, on the other hand, preach the golden rule. You know the ethic of reciprocity to treat others how you want to be treated, or something like that. However, Mama forgot to tell me that being nice would lead me nowhere in life.
In school…
The nice guy is the chump who gives out his A+ homework paper, having spent over 10 hours completing it, because his roommate decided to get hammered the night before. To be the “GOOD” friend the paper is quickly and not exactly painlessly handed over to the “BAD” friend. Little does our foolish protagonist know that he got fucked over because he is now in deep doo doo with the Dean of College for letting someone copy his work, AKA plagiarism.
“Your sympathy will get you left behind. “
In the real world…
Being nice to others often means being taken advantage of somehow. This depends on your degree of niceness, better known as how good you are at making an ass of yourself.
“If you make an ass outta yourself then there will be always be someone to ride you…”
In the complex minefields of the male-female relationship…
Whether it is a one-night stand/random hookup deal or the search of a potential lifetime partner the nice guy is rarely successful. Like my main man Stewie Griffin once said, “how come women react so positively to you when you make such negative comments?”
If you have yet to figure it out, nice guys finish last. Being one myself, I could say it is not all that bad but the reality is that the nice guy is huffing and puffing in the distance while the bad boy does not even break a sweat.
Prescription:
- Lose the glasses, wear contacts. Glasses equate to being nerdy and nice (a pair that does complement each other quite well).
- Get in a band. Learn to play an instrument which is considered “legit”, I am not talking about piano or violin or whatever. You gotta be able to rock.
- Always have a hair cut that is either too long or too short, if you have to go mid-length, style it up. Well at least that is what a badass looks like. Yep I just said badass.
- Get some scars, preferably on or around the facial region.
- Get in shape, yeah that means the big guns and flat washboard stomach kind of shape.
- Make sure you got money in the bank. You can’t always count on McDonalds for dates.
- Listen to Green Day- Nice Guys Finish Last for a quick reminder of your situation.
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***** Last but not least, discredit this mumbo jumbo prescription up until this point. Find someone who truly likes you for who you are–not the money, not the look, not the fame and not the power. Just you. If you do end up finding that person then you should consider yourself lucky because many people spend a lifetime searching and sometimes only end up with some really unfortunate scars (not the badass kind).
