Remedy Through Melody

As the snowflakes gradually descend on this chilly winter’s morn, melting before they can fulfill the purpose of their existence–to shine the heads of bald men all across Chicagoland, I get ready to power down the Tune Remedy laboratory.

Suddenly, I begin to wonder how it is that you, my loyal reader(s), will be bracing yourselves for the year of the Ox.

A wise man once said, “an optimist stays up to welcome the New Year, a pessimist stays up to make sure the old one leaves.”

He went on to down 2 bottles of champagne, punch a baby, set a hobo’s bindle on fire, and get arrested for trying to make love to a gasoline tank of an active police car the very same New Year’s eve.

Moral of the tale: don’t write on your blog at 4AM in the morning

Suggested by: Geoffrey C.

I know a mouse
And he hasn’t got a house
I don’t know why
I call him Gerald
He’s getting rather old
But he’s a good mouse

Pink Floyd  - Bike
Album: The Piper at the Gates of Dawn
Released: August 5, 1967

If you’d like, you can suggest next Monday’s lacking lyrics here!

Most people don’t realize that a human being’s creativity stems from neither the mind, nor the heart.   It is rare to see parents who spank their kids on the head, or punch them in the chest when the children get a little creative and act in ways that go against the norm.  Rather, they tend to go directly for what seems to be the main source of all human imagination: the ass.

Just think about it, why else would an otherwise useless part of the human body have so much padding and protection?

A recent research study conducted by the University of Iowa shows that out of the 24,992 Americans that were stabbed last year, only 3 were stabbed in the ass.

This makes perfect sense from an evolutionary biologist’s perspective–the most vital organs are usually protected in the case of a predator attack.

Since Americans are more evolved and civilized than the citizens of other countries, it is logical that they choose to perform little physical labor that involves movement.  Instead, they sit on their asses as much as humanly possible to ensure their survival.

“This likely explains the low knife-to-ass stab ratio present in the USA as compared to many eastern European countries,” says Steffan Eske, one of Tune Remedy’s lead researchers.

What science is trying to tell you (with all of these statistics and figures) is that any prior remedies you might have used to cure writer’s block failed because they targeted your brain–an organ quite distant from the true source of your problem.

Prescription:

Although for a catchy song it doesn’t really say much, Tune Remedy does believe that you can promote a healthy flow of thought by injecting Just Jack - Writer’s Block directly into your ass as necessary.  There is no real answer as to how it works… Some scientists believe it has something to do with the rhythm which is rumored to have been precisely calculated using discrete mathematics to get the brain to release extra dopamine into the ass.   Others think it has something to do with the fact that Just Jack is himself an ass–which really comes across in his music.  Either way,  you should probably give it a listen.

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Just Jack - Writer’s Block
Album: Overtones
Released: November 17, 2006

Can you think of a better song to remedy writer’s block? Have you ever gotten stabbed in the ass? Any general comments? Let us know!

Thanks to everyone who submitted lyrics!  Below are some of the favorites—just click to expand.

{this suggestion tried to escape reality but drowned}

{this suggestion ate its lover}

{this suggestion forgot how to exist}

{this suggestion buried its diary deep inside your head}

On the opposite end of the lyrical rainbow, far, far away from the Lyrically Lacking Monday, you’ll find the Lyrically Thoughtful Thursday.

Don’t see it?  Right there.  No! To the left—right next to that cocky looking oompa loompa eating everyone’s sugar while he’s supposedly on the job.  No… that’s Bush.  Yep, right next to him. 

That’s our special Thursday.

Those fortunate enough not to have to work on the weekends often see Thursday as a fairly optimistic day.  With Friday right around the corner, Thursday is an opportunity to bask in the promise of the weekend–a chance to slack a bit knowing that you will have Saturday and Sunday to make up what need be.

I see it as the prime time for personal thought and therefore hope to use it to share what I consider to be truly poetic, intelligent, moving—and most thought provoking lyrics that my ears have had the opportunity to have intercourse with.

If you have anything in mind and would like to participate in the first weekly Lyrically Thoughtful Thursday, then go ahead and make a suggestion in the comments below, or  in the Tune Remedy’s suggestion box.

Otherwise come back Thursday, ya hear?

Suggested by: warren

Me like to go down to the church,
And drink some Holy Water.
Mom don’t like,
And the Priest don’t like it,
But me can’t seem to help it.

Mindless Self Indulgence - Ecnegludni Fles Sseldnim
Album: Tight
Released: April 6, 1999

The first weekly Lyrically Lacking Monday is coming up tomorrow so I thought I’d take a second to tell you all what that’s all about!

The way I see it, many of us have heard a good share of lyrically challenged songs–tunes with lyrics that make you question the direction in which the human race is heading because of their lameness, stupidity, or just plain ignorance.

I want Monday, the historically least favorite day of the work week, to be our special day to share snippets of these ridiculously bad songs with each other to cheer ourselves up.  As they say, laughter is often the best medicine.

If you have any lyrics in mind and you’d like to participate, then go ahead and suggest them here but try not to post them in the comments below or we’ll turn this into a Lyrically Lacking Sunday by mistake .

Inspiration for Tune Remedy often comes from the unlikeliest of places.  For those unfamiliar with the proverb, let me start off by explaining that the title for this particular case stems from the old Celtic saying, “a friend’s eye is a good mirror.”

The meaning is actually quite simple: only a true friend will give you their honest opinion and therefore a clear assessment of your situation when you ask them for guidance.

It is when you find yourself staring at a twisted reflection much like those found at the carnival or in a circus that this proverb falters.

Unfortunately, not every friend that you have always wishes you the best in all of your endeavors.  By no means should you believe that they constantly root for you to fail. Rather, try to understand that the personal problems in their own lives, and sometimes even jealousy, are capable of making even a historically ‘good’ friend’s opinion biased.

The underpaid (and underqualified) researchers at Tune Remedy have been working overtime in the recent months in search for the perfect tune to open up your eyes to these slightly twisted friendships but we regret to say that we have fallen quite short.

At this point, the best we can aim to achieve is to make you generally more weary of the relationships you cultivate around yourself.

Prescription:

Check out Sex in a Cavalier, a tune by With Bare Eyes. This performer is a perfect example of a walking, talking, singing manifestation of such faulty friendships.

All this kid needs is a webcam, an acoustic guitar, a whole lot of talent and the absence of his pals for him to spill all of their dirtiest secrets onto the internet for the masses to devour.  But, hey, look at the bright side–the drama can be pretty damn entertaining for the rest of us.  Cheer up, my friends.

With Bare Eyes - Sex in a Cavalier  (YouTube link)

have a better suggestion for a song to remedy faulty friendships?  Have you had any experience with such friends? Are you yourself a “twisted” friend? Let us know!