Remedy Through Melody

Hello everyone,  I’d like to apologize for the lack of updates as of late.  My cousin Drobe broke into my dorm (the Tune Remedy laboratory) a few days ago and stole all of my supplies.  Luckily, I had planted a GPS tracker in his brain a few years ago just in case such an event would occur so I did manage to track him down eventually.  The good news is I have all of my equipment back.  The bad news is that I stabbed Drobe in the ass when I encountered him so I will be going to prison for a while.  I do plan on having sporadic internet access so I will definitely be updating Tune Remedy as often as the law permits, but, unfortunately, not as often as I have since the relaunch.

Truth: Its only the second week of spring term and I already have an unbelievable amount of programing assignments due

What I am about to tell you is quite the shitty conspiracy theory… but not in the regular sense.

Since early 2001, the thirty-fifth president of the United States, George W. Bush, has been implementing highly illegal, top secret governmental programs to steal and sell human byproducts.  The idea: to utilize the state-of-the-art sewage, pipe, and drainage systems already in place to divert the path of human waste from treatment centers into the greedy hands of black market officials.

Wake up sheeple!  For years, the Bush Administration has been stealing your shit right from under your nose.  Did you know that  San Francisco may rename their waste treatment plant after Bush?  Sure shit happens, but this shit is no coincidence.

Here’s a little tidbit of info for ya: 1 pound of human waste can power a single family home for 2 days, or equivalently, provide enough energy for Soulja Boy to release 3 hit albums.

Is this not enough evidence for you?  Just in case, here is some more:

1. The economy is shit.
2. Bush is full of shit
3. Cheney is a shithead
4. and saving the best for last: the shitty war that nobody wants to be a part of.

You’re probably wondering: what does the war have to do with any of this? EVERYTHING.  This is no war for oil, this is a war for our shit, my friends.  It has been brilliantly fabricated to keep you in a constant state of fear.  The threat of terrorism was designed to make you shit your pants.

When asked to comment, a representative of the Bush Administration replied, “eat shit.”

I know, this is the part where I usually recommend a song for you to hear to make it all better.  Well, the truth is no such song exists.  You have to be the change you want to see in the world… even if it means getting your hands dirty (get it? with shit.)

Mothers, run out on your porches.  Fathers, hold the American flag up high.  Together, in unity, we will make our own song.  As one, we will exclaim “don’t touch our shit! ”

Barrack Obama: the change (of pants) we need? We’ll see.

{the love experienced in these lyrics might be the weapon of mass destruction that the U.S. has been searching Iraq up and down for}

{these lyrics describe a person that did not have an ounce of childhood curiosity or wonderment when growing up. Unlike most of the population, whose soul slowly decays as they age, this person never found excitement at the sight of snow. It can be assumed that he/she would find; cotton candy, popsicles, lollipops, candy necklaces, gummy bears, pushpops, m&ms, airheads, paint chips containing lead, dirt or any other sort of food products that children delight in, to be non-consumable, despicable, and vile substances}

|||theShrinkette’s take:|||{the central character in these lyrics has to suffer a night with a woman who has an unfortunately big stick up her ass. He is hopeful that it can be dislodged with just the right amount of alcohol, but most everyone can assert that those types of conditions are generally permanent} |||Viktor’s take:||| {this suggestion tripped, momentarily stumbled, and quickly fell into love. Drunk on warm emotion (and alcohol), life seemed more and more brilliant. A hopeless romantic? Maybe, but that night it didn’t really matter. It felt alive}

The Ataris - I Won’t Spend Another Night Alone

We’d buy a small house in south central L.A.
Raise lots of kids then we’d both join a gang
Just as long as we’re together.
The things you make me wanna do I’d rob a quik-e mart for you
I’d go to the pound and let all the cats go free
Just as long as you’d be with me.

Never have I witnessed love so true.  So beautiful.  So vivid.  Such inspiring symbolism… “I’d rob a quik e-mart for you” of course signifying that the male would go to great measures to satisfy his lover financially.  “I’d go to the pound and let all the cats go free” can be taken on many different levels.  Does the lover make the male feel like he should be a better man and do something selfless for the world?  Or is it simply saying that he will no longer need any other “pussy”?

Deep.

Mama told me “there would be days like this“…. actually she did not say that, that’s from an oldies song.  She did, on the other hand, preach the golden rule.  You know the ethic of reciprocity to treat others how you want to be treated, or something like that.  However, Mama forgot to tell me that being nice would lead me nowhere in life.

In school…

The nice guy is the chump who gives out his A+ homework paper, having spent over 10 hours completing it, because his roommate decided to get hammered the night before.  To be the “GOOD” friend the paper is quickly and not exactly painlessly handed over to the “BAD” friend.  Little does our foolish protagonist know that he got fucked over because he is now in deep doo doo with the Dean of College for letting someone copy his work, AKA plagiarism.

“Your sympathy will get you left behind. “

In the real world…

Being nice to others often means being taken advantage of somehow.  This depends on your degree of niceness, better known as how good you are at making an ass of yourself.

“If you make an ass outta yourself then there will be always be someone to ride you…”

In the complex minefields of the male-female relationship…

Whether it is a one-night stand/random hookup deal or the search of a potential lifetime partner the nice guy is rarely successful.  Like my main man Stewie Griffin once said, “how come women react so positively to you when you make such negative comments?”

If you have yet to figure it out, nice guys finish last. Being one myself, I could say it is not all that bad but the reality is that the nice guy is huffing and puffing in the distance while the bad boy does not even break a sweat.

Prescription:

1. Lose the glasses, wear contacts. Glasses equate to being nerdy and nice (a pair that does complement each other quite well).
2. Get in a band. Learn to play an instrument which is considered “legit”, I am not talking about piano or violin or whatever. You gotta be able to rock.
3. Always have a hair cut that is either too long or too short, if you have to go mid-length, style it up. Well at least that is what a badass looks like. Yep I just said badass.
4. Get some scars, preferably on or around the facial region.
5. Get in shape, yeah that means the big guns and flat washboard stomach kind of shape.
6. Make sure you got money in the bank. You can’t always count on McDonalds for dates.
7. Listen to Green Day- Nice Guys Finish Last for a quick reminder of your situation.

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*****    Last but not least, discredit this mumbo jumbo prescription up until this point. Find someone who truly likes you for who you are–not the money, not the look, not the fame and not the power.  Just you.  If you do end up finding that person then you should consider yourself lucky because many people spend a lifetime searching and sometimes only end up with some really unfortunate scars (not the badass kind).

{this suggestion refused to let go. Months would pass. Then years. Eventually, it would grow more and more unsure of what exactly it was that it was holding on to. One finger at a time, the grip would loosen. In its ripe age it would look back in awe at the vast distances it had traversed. Only then would it understand. It walked alone.}

You put your right foot in
You put your right foot out
You put your right foot in
And you ~shake~ it all about.

You do the Hokey Pokey
And you turn yourself around
That’s what it’s all about!

Nobody really knows who originally performed the Hokey Pokey but legend says that in the late 1600s witches used it as a mechanism to lure unsuspecting children into their cauldrons.  The children basked evenly to the catchy beat!  It is said that to this day Michael Jackson, the last surviving witch, uses similar strategies.

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There is something undeniably pleasurable about downloading a torrent.  Never having done it myself (LÖL), I suspect that the pleasure is exponentially sweeter if the torrent is of the “illegal” kind.  But why?

Since early childhood, we are constantly fed one  of the most fundamental truths of modern society: time is money.

Although I personally disagree with this outlook on life (I’m more of a time is knowledge type of guy),  I do believe that this is the main cause of guilt-free pirating.

Without even realizing it, people feel that the time invested in waiting for that album, movie, or shiny new copy of Adobe Photoshop to complete downloading covers its actual cost!

Well, maybe not Photoshop.  At 630 dollars a pop, that shit would cost a few weeks of your time, assuming minimum wage.

Crazy thought?  Maybe.  But it sure would help explain the mainstream consensus that stealing intellectual property is simply not wrong and thus, by default, right.

“Its not really pirating unless you’re wearing an eye patch while you do it,” says I, the author of such acclaimed articles as the one you’re currently reading and Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home.

I may not be able to fully explain why you pirate, nor do I have a remedy to get you to stop because that would be mighty hypocritical of me.  What I would like to do is guide your pirate ship into the less crowded and safer seas.  Because for every successful pirate, there is another pirate who can’t wait to loot his gold.

There are tons of great bands out there who actually encourage your pirating habits by giving their music away for free.

Demonoid, a semi-private torrent site/tracker has been greatly supportive of such artists ever since coming back online in early 2008.  Many bands receive an honorable mention (and a link to their album) on demonoid’s front page.

One such band, the Naked Empire was brought to my attention in late September.  Its unique vocals, haunting and original guitar lines, and powerful, yet subtle piano pieces are slightly reminiscent of Muse and have been growing on me in the past few months.

I feel that further spreading Naked Empire’s name is the least I can do to show my appreciation of their free gift to the masses.   Nonetheless, something tells me that the publicity surrounding their album’s release was worth the pennies they would have made off of individual CD sales had they gone with a more traditional distribution model.

With no further adieu, I give you the Naked Empire.

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are you a fan of any indie bands that openly support bitTorrent?  Why do you think pirating has become so main stream?  fuck the RIAA? Let us know!

{this suggestion is extremely high on air}

{this suggestion walks with a pimp cane when people aren’t looking}

{this suggestion played with light till it got burned}